‘Slyde’ your way to Ecstacy

While despairing of my pathetically-low follows and minimal likes on my blog entries, a friend told me that my blog should be more relevant and applicable to every day life.

And maybe insert in some more product endorsements and reviews.

And funnier writing – since the previous one was pretty gloomy. One even told me to put an R(21) rating on my blog. (I’ll get to that soon, I promise). So here you go, a blog entry that is ‘deeply’ relevant – a review on lubricants.

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One of the most important retail decisions a bottom must make is the choice of lubricants.

No, we are not talking about automobiles or heavy industry equipment here. Though I can reserve an entry for that some other time.

Like the alchemist’s gold, it is the single most important element that can make a raging hunk’s very huge and testosterone-engorged penis pleasurable with every thrust. Or transform it into a fistful of cactus, excruciating to the utmost and the entire session becomes more like a scene of mediavel torture than anything else.

But alas, all like men’s endowments, not all lubricants are the same – nor can you go just by appearance. So here you go, based on what little experience I have had, my reviews on the various lubricant brands out there. There might be regional differences.

Vaseline Cream

This is frankly what was used in my first sexual encounter. I was half-drunk and was like ‘huh? You need lub? What’s that?’

Promise to blog about it sometime but the honest fact that it was the most painful sex I have had in my whole life (up to now) and having ‘anal-gag’ for a good ½ a day after the session (can’t sit on a hard surface, feeling like I need to ‘let go’ in the loo or I’ll poop in my pants and generally being as incapacitated as a diarrhea patient) meant that it was the first and last time I was having this cream-coloured gel go anywhere but my lips.

If petroleum jelly were all that was to use, I wouldn’t have very much to blog about. Seriously.

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Durex Play

Ahhh. 2am. You find a hot guy in a bar. You are semi-high (or very high) on beer and whiskey and too many jaeger bomb shots. You spied the cute guy who has been eye-ing you the entire night during his stopover in Singapore in Tantric Bar. You don’t want to go home empty handed and ponder the universal bleakness of life. You hook him up and get a cab to the nearest cheap hotel for a 2-hour block (split fifty-fifty of course). Turns out that he has a stack of condoms in his pants but who travels with lub in their pocket and it is up to you to rush to 7-11. And, without fail no matter where you are, kudos to their highly efficient ISO-certified inventory system, you always see Durex Play on the counter. Usually in tiny-tubes, good enough for the night.

This is last minute, fail-safe choice for lubricants like I have mentioned. However, unless you are really high and away from the world of friction-induced ass trauma, this lubricant is usually too thin & runny to offer any comfort. In additional, it is so liquid that the moment you stick it into your ass, it all flows out leaving the deeper anal-cavities dry and unlubricated. Use at your risk. I used to solve the problem by using a needle-less syringe, pump it full of the lub and then ‘inject’ it into my ass. Helps. But then again, if you are in a situation to get a syringe, why not just get a better lub?

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HIM

Okay. My then-Scottish boyfriend was hung like a Donkey and I was never quite a guy of deep fortitude. Sex was nice on a good day when he was patient and slower. But he loved marathon sessions running for 45 minutes or longer of coital bliss. I have to give it to him for stamina at the very least; but I can’t say the same for the durex lubricant I was using at that time. After my third ‘blistering’ episode with him, I decided that I need outside help. A new lubricant.

Desperate, i went to the sex shop in Bugis Market right next to the fried banana fritter’s stall. I thought nothing to going to the cashier and asking for lubricants that are good for anal sex for plus-sized dicks. I mean, if the cashier is going to cringe and scream when I ask for such thing, then she wouldn’t be working in a sex shop right?

Very gamely she brought me to a row of glass cabinets. Aptly named ‘HIM’. Packaged in nice pvc plastic tubs, they could easily be mistaken for Gatsby moving rubber hair wax.

Excited, I decided to bring it for a test drive that very evening…

…aroused and excited, I pushed him aside blindly to open the tub and jammed my finger into the lub. My finger got into contact with hard, solidified paraffin-like wax. I went soft faster than wax on a hot pan. I believe I had to scoop out a good handful of the wax, rub it into my nether-cavities like playing ‘pin the donkey’ dubiously and begin. You know if something doesn’t quite feel right, it probably isn’t. Hell, it’s probably all my accumulated experience, intuition and possibly hosts & hosts of sexual-guardian angel screaming at me: DON’T DO IT!!!

When he tore in, he ripped right in and touched that fine line between consensus sex and rape.

I had to use poppers for the first time in a very long while just to loosen up. That very evening, we threw ‘HIM’ away. Had sore ass for a day after. Bad.

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KY

I work in Marketing Communications and Branding. Lesson number 1 of branding, you have to think of them as a living breathing being – almost like Gods in the Neil Gaiman sense of it.

Some brands like Microsoft is a well-fed and reliable daddy figure (who is slightly hairy under his business suit but in all the right ways). And though he isn’t drop dead gorgeous, he is capable and compatible with a lot of sexual games from under the sheets to the ceiling.

Meanwhile, Apple is a trendy and funky artiste (wears a beret, coloured framed glasses and sports a goatee) with lots of flair, style and fashion tips and way too many silk-scarves — but is usually as much as fun in bed as a skinny twink and an adobe suite.

The KY brand is more akin to Microsoft. Deep reliable and a mainstay in the sex bag I carry with me from beds to beds. No pretentious fruity scent (it is a lub not a dessert jam), no taste, washes off easily and it is thicker than durex. Only problem is that like Durex, it is hard to spread into my ass, but nothing that a syringe can’t solve.

It used to come in a screw cap that I hated because I always lose them in fling’s places – along with my hundred-and-one earrings. Then some blessed soul came to replace it with a flick and open mechanism and I loved KY even more. Hell, I love this lub so much, I think I have had a longer relationship with trusty Mr KY than some of my so-called boyfriends.

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Durex Play Heat Lubricant

The phrase curiosity kills the cat certainly holds some truth in this case. I was then with my ex-boyfriend for more than 3 years and we needed to alternate our routine a little bit. It was Sunday afternoon and, since I try not to drink while I can still see the sun, I didn’t even have the luxury of saying that I was stupefied and drunk. I was just stupid.

I saw Durex Play Heat Lubricant on the counter.

And I thought what can be nicer and more life-embracing than a deep, penetrating fuck with your loved one than a deep, penetrating fuck that happens to be warm. Life-embracing my ass. The moment I opened the bottle, I smelled the painfully familiar smell of axe brand medicated oil. It is a brand of oil used by my Grandma to relief her sore muscles of rheumatism and her joints of arthritis. Occasionally she used it for my forehead when I had migraines but it always get into my eyes, making them smart due to their unearthly amounts of camphor and menthol. Childhood trauma number 1.

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Anyway, my instincts were already screaming at me to stop but did I listen? Did I listen? After my ass came in contact with the lub that was 1 part ethanol, 6 part menthol and rest concentrated sulfuric acid, I was in such searing white heat that I might have as well slathered burning hot lava onto the thin and fine membranes of my anal regions. I screamed and ran out of bed, nearly crashed into the wall and tumbled into the toilet of the cheap hotel. Turned on overpower jet spray of unfortunately cold water onto my even more unfortunate ass. Screaming, I turn on the heat and for the first time, the heater when on almost immediately and I scalded my ass – badly.

The deep, penetrating fuck that was supposed to be warm ended up with me half in tears with a dripping wet and goose-bump covered scalded ass in the frosty cold of an air-conditioned cheap hotel room.

My ex-boyfriend was bewildered and he ask me if I can have sex in a few minutes because we didn’t have enough time in the 2-hour block of hotel 81. And you wonder why I eventually dumped him.

Durex Play Heat – use at your own risk.

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Superslyde

At long last, if the holy grail comes in a tube and can be inserted into the ass for maximum fun times, it has to be this Superslyde lubricant.

I quote:

SuperSlyde’s breakthrough formulation is unlike any other silicone lubricant, pushing the boundaries of silicone chemistry to create the “perfect” lubricant. Specifically developed to be super slick and smooth, unbelievably sensual, ultra long lasting, yet easy to clean, SuperSlyde is also latex safe, hypoallergenic, non-irritating and suitable for sensitive skin.

The result of over 18 months of research and development, SuperSlyde is made in Singapore using only premium pharmaceutical grade silicone ingredients, and manufactured under strict pharmaceutical certified GMP conditions using a tightly controlled manufacturing process to ensure the best quality product.

SuperSlyde is formulated, researched and distributed by AARI (Abra Advanced Research International Pte Ltd), and manufactured by ICM Pharma Pte Ltd.

I was sold the moment I picked this up in SportsmenAsia in Chinatown. Another sex shop with pretty good perfumes actually. It comes in a hard pvc bottle that is easy to carry around in a zip-bag with all your sexual props. And here’s the magic: there is this David Gandy lookalike guy with whom any decent and healthy relationship is impossible, but sexually still viable. The playmate is the new soulmate of the 2010s. Hooked up with him on a few occasions, mainly to use his pool and sample his blah-cooking.

Only problem, there are big cocks. And then there are those gargantuan freaks of nature that must be put down and weaned out of the genetic pool for the good and the future survival of the human race. He belongs to the latter. It is so huge, I have a jaw-ache just sucking him. And my mouth covered only ½ of the member when I go all down.

Every session I have to drink at least half a bottle to numb myself for the uptake. Though he is quite gentle, but every time he is excited, his huge and swollen organ seems so gigantic that it hurts me to look at it – and then think of it entering me. He is a heart breaker, if not an ass-splitter too.

So every since, I found the superslyde, life with my new playmate has gone on pretty swimmingly. I will always remember when he was heaving and heaving atop me and I gasped when I realized he has gone all the way in and I hardly felt and pain while his ‘third leg’ has bypassed my intestines and livers to fondle my heart from the inside. Very romantic. Yeah, you can say we have gone in deeper places than any man has reached.

Anyway, the problem is, the pvc cap has a tendency of opening at the most random time and spilling its contents everywhere. More than once I reach home exhausted after a day of work to find a soggy bag full of rather expensive lubricant festered behind my lubricant stained work shirt.

Also, the shop in SportsmenAsia has closed in Chinatown and it is always such a bother to order the lubricant online. Now I just put the bottle by my shelf, to be used only in cases of emergencies. And my fear of too huge and gargantuan members are finally put at rest. J

Thanks for reading my blog.